Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2010/may/02/pupils-arrested-knife-fight-stowe
Summary:
The Stowe school who teaches under 2000 students had a scare when two teenage boys have been arrested following an alleged knife attack on another pupil. The police was called just before 1am after a fight broke out in one of the Buckinghamshire School’s boarding houses. The 17 year old who had a minor cut on his arm, was treated at the Milton Keynes general hospital. The two students who caused this incident are being held by the police on suspicion of assault accusations. A number of items were removed from the school by the police including the craft knife but there was never previous incidents of students possessing knifes. However, the school which sets in 750 acres of parkland and teaches 750 boys and girls between the ages of 13 and 18, headmaster, Dr. Anthony Wallersteiner, said: ‘aggressive behavior will never be tolerated here’.
Evaluation:
Weapons in school are not surprising to no one anymore. Two teenage boys were arrested for fighting with knifes is a common thing. This school claims to say that they do not tolerate violence but yet again you see that these pupils do not have boundaries. No respect for each other nor the rules. All pupils are aware that ‘Stowe’ does not acknowledge violence and adopts a policy of zero tolerance in any cases. Even though, these two young boys fought with knifes, they never made it clear why and how did the fight start. It is a shame that this shows a bad example for the school and for the young pupils that is attending this school. These boys should be punished and should be suspended for the rest of the school year.
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You need to rewrite the opening sentences. They are edited versions of the article sentences and not your writing. You are held "on suspicion of something," suspicious is the adjective. "Accusation" is also misused here as this implies that they are only accused of the attack whereas the article seems to be clear that the attack definitely happened.
BeantwoordenVerwijderen"There was never previous incidents" and "how did the fight start" are in the wrong tenses. Check this and I would suggest that you restructure the final sentence as it is rather disjointed and confusing.
In your reaction you need to clarify that by "they" you mean the reporter/newspaper and not the pupils who you were previously refering to. Pronouns have to refer to the last refered to nouns.